“Shine Bright Like a Diamond”

A couple of months ago I attended the Young Adult Program Cancer Conference at Dana Farber. It was the first time I was going to an event like this and, of course, because I’m crazy Becky, I was not only attending, but co-facilitating a session. The good thing about the session was that I was with my nurse who is like my Italian motha from anotha, so that was comforting! The morning started with my session, which was pretty small and we talked all about the importance of speaking up as a patient. Then, there were some patient speakers throughout the day as well as former Patriots player, Joe Andruzzi and his wife – he is a cancer survivor. To this point I found the day to be pretty sad – it was just a lot. I did make a couple friends at lunch though – a really nice guy fighting Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and his fiancé. She had come up to me after my session and said she really wanted her fiancé to meet me because we were a lot alike – kind of kept our story private and lived as normal as we could. So I had a nice lunch with the two of them and my Italian motha from anotha. I started to think…wow he is a lot like me.

In the afternoon I attended a session about having relationships while battling cancer, and I honestly think it was one of the most important things I have ever done for myself. It was a room of about 40 patients and caregivers opening up about their feelings and challenges (something so, so foreign to me). The things people were saying were heart-wrenching, but what stood out most to me was that I was not the only one out there that was fighting cancer, yet looked totally normal. A bunch of people in the group even used the phrase, “coming out of the cancer closet.” I was not alone, or crazy for that matter! And, you’ll never guess what happened next. I raised my hand and SHARED MY FEELINGS and…I even CRIED IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Yes, everyone in the room was crying and sharing their challenges, but the strength in the room was palpable…and I was one of those crying people…I was and am one of those strong people. I left this conference emotionally exhausted and went home and stared at the wall for a while because it took so much out of me. Yes, it was really difficult, but I think it was the tipping point for me. I had to be okay with my situation and be confident in it before anyone else could. And when I raised my hand in that room, tears streaming down my face, the words I said were so, so comforting to other people there. They were not alone either.

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I have struggled enormously with when to “come out of the cancer closet;” mainly because I can’t let myself miss a beat and it means being vulnerable. What I realized that day at the Young Adult Cancer Conference was that missing beats, crying in front of others, being vulnerable and sharing my story is STRONG and helps not only me, but others.

My journey to “go public” has been a gradual one, that is still going, but each step I take is honestly exhilarating. My first big break – no I didn’t land an acting job, but shit that would be awesome. Guest appearance on the next Orange is the New Black? yes, please. Ha! Anyway, I am obsessed with Soul Cycle, which you know if you read my blog. So, a couple months back I contacted the Soul Cycle email box because I saw that people were sharing their stories about their Soul Cycle journies and where their inspiration comes from. It took me two months, but I finally put my Soul Cycle story together and submitted it. She replied right away and said we had to arrange my photo with my favorite instructor, Sal. I was so excited! I got to meet this mini celeb (to me, at least)! We got the photo and the story posted a week or so later, and now Sal and I are buds, a.k.a I high five him after class. If you didn’t see it, here it is. When I hit post with this article on my Facebook page, it was one of the biggest steps I could have taken! I went public.

What I really want to talk about is last Friday night when I spoke to a crowd of nearly 450 people about my cancer journey – yes, you heard me. AND, I got a standing ovation. One of my great friends, Tara Shuman recently wrote a book called Hope is a Good Breakfast about her breast cancer journey. She is an INCREDIBLE woman and it is an INCREDIBLE book. You must buy it and read it! So, Tara organized this amazing book launch event and asked ME to be one of the keynote speakers. I was not only flattered when she asked me, but terrified. I knew it was something I had to do, and deep down I really wanted to do. The good thing was that my journey to go public had been progressing nicely up to the point of the speech last week and my confidence was building.

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I was at table number 3 surrounded by the most loving support system – my parents and 5 of my best friends. We were well into the program and Tara had read portions of her book, which brought most of the crowd to tears, the first speaker, Tara’s CT tech gave a wonderful speech, and this BRILLIANT doctor was now up there talking about the importance of cancer research. I was listening to the doctor and really enjoying her speech, but my mind kept going to my sweaty palms, what I though was a stomachache (I couldn’t decide), and which side of the stage I would walk up. Before I knew it, Tara finished an introduction (of me) that brought me to tears, and I was walking up to the stage. I have always liked public speaking. I get nervous when I walk up, but then I get in my groove. Let’s be clear here though, I have never spoken to a crowd of nearly 450 people…about something SO personal. I got up to the podium, adjusted the mic and started with a joke in true Becky fashion. I honestly think the nerves faded away after the first paragraph and then it was like I was in my world. I felt every word I said and the crowd was right there with me. They clapped, laughed, cried. It felt right. They were with me.

I ended the speech with a few words about Tara, that of course, brought me to tears. As the applause started she came up to give me a hug and a gift, and I turned around to see the whole room standing. Every single person. I headed back to my table, careful not to trip in my fabulous 4-inch stilettos and hugged my parents so tight. I then sat down next to my teary mom and was so surprised by what came out of my mouth! I turned to her and said, “that was so much fun!” She cracked up! What a thing for me to say…but really that’s how I felt. That is where I "shine bright like a diamond" – up on that stage. I actually just looked up the song lyrics to that Rhianna song to see if I could include a quote from it, but they suck! Same words over and over again, typical.
       
When the event program concluded the amount of people that came up to me was overwhelming – even the wait staff! They were touched, inspired, and in awe – of me?! I was so, so happy. I really think that was one of the best moments of my life. I had exposed one of the most vulnerable aspects of my life and received such a positive response from the crowd. They didn’t feel bad for me – which was always my greatest fear – they admired me.