The Place We All Go…

When you are fighting a life-threatening or chronic disease you have to find a way to keep the faith…and that is what everyone around you is coaching you to do. “Stay positive,” or “Keep your chin up,” or “Things will get better,” or “You deserve to be happy.” (Sometimes I want to smack them across the face and say, chill with the positive crap! I need a god damn minute!) But when you see someone you know and love going through hell, and more hell, you think, why do I deserve to be ok?

When my Soul Cycle instructor pushed us more and more tonight and said fight for what you deserve, break through! I pedaled harder and harder, but I could only think of my mom’s friend who is fighting as hard as she possibly can and her cancer just keeps spreading.

Her name is Toni L. and she works with my mom. She is an English teacher at a Junior High and my mom is the school nurse. My mom and her share an extreme bond because of her rare breast cancer and my rare sarcoma. Toni always asks my mom about me and Frank (my tumor), even when she is pale as a ghost and thin as a twig from the chemo. There is no other way to describe Toni other than she is remarkable.

Toni has gone through multiple rounds of chemo and clinical trials; some of which kept the cancer at bay for a while, but she always knew the cancer would eventually outsmart the drugs. That horror became a reality a couple of months ago and the cancer has spread – even into her arm causing her chronic pain. She is now faced with the decision of another round of chemo or a clinical trial. Which will work? If she chooses chemo and it doesn’t work, she may not be eligible for the clinical trial anymore. If she chooses the clinical trial and it doesn’t work she will think she should have gone with the chemo. Impossible decisions.

So as I powered through the last song of my Soul Cycle class, and Sal (my favorite, adorable instructor) yelled at us to break through that wall and fight, I couldn’t help but think, but Toni is fighting the fuck out of life and she is still falling down over and over again.

So how do I keep the faith if wonderful people like Toni are hitting a wall over and over and over again? I really don’t have the answer, but know we all have to just…keep…going. And all I can do for Toni is HOPE and PRAY.

The place we all go…