We Rewrite Our Own Strength

Yet again, something my Soul Cycle instructor said stuck with me. Before going home for the holidays (yay!) I decided to do an early morning Soul Cycle class with Sal. The regular classes are normally 45 minutes, but this was the one hour class, called Soul Survivor. Well, let me just say this survivor was souled. It was so incredibly hard, but amazing at the same time. The feeling of pushing yourself to do something you never thought you could is indescribable. As the class got harder and harder and we were about 15 whooo’s in, Sal said, “Keep going, keep going! We all rewrite our own strength.”

The next couple of days I could not stop thinking about what Sal had said. I don’t think he – or I – realized how profound that statement was until I really thought about it. I have rewritten my own strength dozens and dozens of times. I went from hating needles, to you have a cyst the size of a baby’s head in your abdomen, to you need major surgery, to oh wait, it’s cancer, to you need another surgery and another, to it’s all gone, to oh, wait it’s back and its huge…

There are so many things that go on in your head as you deal with an emotional rollercoaster like this. To be honest, it is impossible to process all at once and fight or flight kicks in. (Then months and years later it all starts to hit you, yes this is PTSD.) But what I now realize is before this all happened, I was not as strong as I am now. As the punches in the gut kept coming, I kept rewriting my own strength. There were times when I felt like I had no emotional energy to even react to the next punch, but I think I was just stronger – or at least I hope. The girl that once hated needles now doesn’t flinch for a blood draw, or a foley post surgery, or an epidural for pain management, or living with a tumor every day.

Although every cancer patient has many, many rewrites, it doesn’t mean we don’t get tired, frustrated, feel defeated, and need to scream and cry it out.

***

I went to visit my mom at school yesterday and saw her friend Toni L. She looked beautiful. Her hair was done; she had cute boots on, a bright sweater and a pretty scarf. Oh, and a smile, despite the fact that she was holding her left arm because of the cancer in it, and the pain and swelling she is dealing with. This woman has had so many rewrites, my god. Her and I chatted for a bit and she seemed in such good spirits – I just marveled at her – all of her. She was telling me how she was starting the trial the next day and she just hoped it worked, and that she didn’t lose her hair. She said, “I know it's vain but…” I said, “Oh my god, it is not vain!” It’s amazing how us cancer patients still keep so humble. She also said that her nurse, who she loves, told her that she has much less cancer in her body than a lot of other patients. That really gave her – and me – something to hang onto. Her fight is not nearly over; she is just going through another goddamn rewrite. Is it the most un-fucking-fair thing in the world? Yes. But will a bright light like her ever give up? Never.

Toni’s Facebook status the other day was about how blessed she was this holiday season. Damn…she is the rewrite queen and I am just a princess (tehehe) living in her city, inspired and encouraged by her every day.