Acceptance

It’s been two weeks now since I got back from one of THE MOST AMAZING experiences of my life – my First Descents rock-climbing trip in Estes Park, Colorado. I thought I would be itching to write and have so much to get out, but the thing is, the week had such a profound impact on me that I am having trouble articulating it. I know, I know, when am I ever at a loss for words?!

Every night when I go to bed, I have been thinking about how to write about it – what I can say that will truly encapsulate the experience. Honestly, that is something I cannot do. The week was something that I shared with 13 other young adult cancer survivors and First Descents staff members that only we can understand – and only we are lucky enough to take with us on our journey through life.

While running this morning to Kelly Clarkson, of course, the word acceptance came to mind. The reason I even applied to First Descents, actually went on the trip, and was able to absorb the experience was all because of acceptance. I have worked so hard to accept what I have, and that I have cancer. A part of me always thought I had, because I am a “these are my cards” kind of person and never, ever say, “why me?” Well, yes that is part of it, but the other part is articulating it and living it. All this volunteer work I have been doing has come with me talking about my cancer and “coming out of the cancer closet.” I’ve really looked at it as – I am telling my story to help other people. When friends or my family say, well it’s helping you too; I kind of shrug it off and say “yeah, yeah.” Well, HELL YEAH it has helped me too, it just took me a little time to open my goddamn eyes to it. I sort of realized it when I was getting ready to go on my FD trip. People would ask me where I was going and I would start with, “…it’s a rock-climbing trip in Colorado and I don’t know anyone.” They would keep asking questions so then I would say, “well I’m a cancer survivor and it’s a trip for young adult cancer survivors.” The words actually rolled off my tongue pretty easily and I was, dare I say, proud to say them.

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When I arrived at the FD camp, I had no idea what to expect. There were all these people, from all over the country and Canada (whoop whoop), and I was worried that I wouldn’t relate to them or they would be “different” than me. I have a “different” type of cancer and never had chemo…

On the surface we were all very different people, but on the inside, we were so similar and so full of love. As the week went on, it was honestly a pleasure to get to know everyone, hear their stories, and understand their lives. I truly think I am a better person for going on the trip and now having a whole new family in my life. I don’t think I would have gotten as much out of the experience had I gone sooner. I had to accept my situation before I could accept that of others. At the end of the day we are all humans living in the same world; everyone has a battle, a story, and a will to live, and when we look inside each other it is only then that we form the most beautiful connections.