Beyond Your Mind

Sometimes I have so much “Becky time” (or alone time) that I start to analyze every motion or movement I make; what day it is, who I am, what I’m doing…and then I think stop, stop, stop. Get out of your head!

A few weeks ago, my favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Sal (no, I will never stop talking about him) starting yelling to us during a sprint – he said, “Your biggest obstacle is…your biggest obstacle is…your mind.” I thought he was going to say that you are your biggest obstacle, but he took it one step further and said it’s your mind. Welp, my mind was blown, because it was so god damn true. I pedaled the shit out of the rest of class and went home and kept repeating Sal’s words in my head. Every scenario in my life where I have been challenged and felt like I couldn’t do it – my mind was telling me ‘no.’ The night before each of my surgeries when I was scared to DEATH, my mind was taking over. What if they don’t get all of the tumor? What if I need a colostomy bag? What if the surgeon doesn’t get enough sleep? What if I can’t tolerate the pain? What if I don’t get my own room in the hospital?

What I’ve realized is that all the work I’ve done on myself – and for myself – has been to overcome my mind. Exercise, surrounding myself with the people I love and love me back, family, and just feelin’ and workin’ my shit out…it has all said, “Hey mind, take that! I’m stronger, braver, and not only can I do this, but I will.”

Three or four years ago, I would have never gone on my rock climbing trip to Colorado with a group of cancer survivors. I would have thought, I can’t rock climb; I’m afraid of heights. Why would I want to be scared like that? I have a weird tumor, so I would be out of place with a bunch of cancer survivors. It’s also really uncomfortable to be with a group of strangers, why would I want to do that?  I also would have NEVER gotten up in front of 500 people and spoke about my cancer journey. Thoughts on that one: Be – dare I say – vulnerable in front of other people, let alone a crowd of 500? Hell, no. They will totally feel bad for me and I don’t want their pity. I don’t need them.

Present day, the score is definitely Becky beats Mind in overtime. All the work I have done to understand how my disease has affected me has really been a gift, because I have learned how to push through thoughts that don’t serve me, and reach even higher than I ever imagined. I am so proud of myself; proud because the thought of something today, would have never been an option in my mind years ago. I am currently raising money for First Descents and if I reach my goal I get to go on the next level program, which is an international trip to surf, go on a Safari, ice climb, or whatever other exotic programs they dream up, and I am not even that scared! Well…maybe a little, but I am not scared enough to prevent me from going!

The simple fact is, the more I push myself and surpass my thoughts, the more I learn who I am, and who I continue to evolve into. You are never done growing, living, stretching, imagining, loving, and being. How exciting!