Moments

Moments. Moments can last 1 second, 5 minutes, 1 day, 3 days, or more. Moments are those times when I get sad about what I have – a rare cancer I will be treating and managing for the rest of my life. Since being diagnosed at 22 years old and embarking on my emotional roller coaster, I have learned that moments are okay.

Moments often take me by surprise and are really unpredictable. I had a moment Wednesday night while at my friend’s house for a New Year’s party. I was with my best friends – people I grew up with – and was having a blast. I went to the bathroom, I think around 11 p.m., and was hit with a moment. I went pee, readjusted my new sparkly dress, and then looked in the mirror. Granted I had had a few drinks which we all know amplifies emotions, but I normally only have moments if I go into the night upset. I looked in the mirror, pulled up my dress and ran my hand down my ugly scar on my belly. It goes from above my belly button all the way down town – probably about 6-7 inches (32 staples worth after the first surgery). Tears began to stream down my face (and my great make up I might add) and I thought, I’m damaged goods. I wiped my tears, reapplied my red sparkly lip gloss and rejoined the group with a smile on my face. Here is what I have learned about moments over the years…

Allow them:

I used to feel ridiculous or guilty when I had moments because they are often irrational thoughts, and I know there are so many other people out there that have it worse than me. Deep down do I know that I’m not damaged goods and someone will love me even more for what I have endured and will continue to endure, and my scars make me even more special? YES, I know that. But, in that moment that is how I felt and I needed to allow it.

Feel them:

It is one thing to allow moments, but it is another thing to feel them. Feeling them means screaming, crying, hyperventilating, sitting and starting at the wall and not moving for an hour…being weak. The big ‘ol “w” word. All my life I have struggled with being weak. I always thought that weakness was a sign of weakness. What I have learned that weakness is a sign of strength. The oh, so very strong are often oh, so very weak. In those moments of weakness, we are really feeling…I mean feeling. Emotional pain so strong that it aches in every part of your body. But my yoga teacher always says, “You have to feel to heal.” This statement is so true. I have felt the hell out of what I am going through, but letting myself feel it is a still something I continue to work on. I was talking to my friend Tara one day and told her that I have a “I don’t cry in the Dana Farber building rule” (except when my tumor was back and huge I lost it) and she said, “That rule is just dumb. You need to throw that one out.” She is so right. I just always felt like I had to be so strong while there and then I could get home and let it out. Why, though? For what? So I don’t look weak or vulnerable? Dude, I have cancer – it’s ok.

Their duration can vary:

This New Year’s moment was literally just a moment, but sometimes they last a few days. When I get bad news from the doctor like having to decide on bone loss medications, or having to go on Lipitor for high cholesterol caused by the Lupron and Letrozole, moments can last longer. I once red in Kris Carr’s book, Crazy, Sexy Cancer, that she gives herself a “3 day rule” when she gets in a slump – or has moments. I have always tried to follow that rule. The first day you are just an emotional mess, the second day you are in recovery, and the third day you are just meh. Well a month or so ago my moment turned into about a week. This was when I had to decide about going on bone loss medications, and I went to a doctor who really wasn’t helping me. I disliked her so much… She basically explained I could go on bone loss medication now but there are no studies about what that does to people who ultimately have kids. I likely can’t have kids, but don’t want to close that door. She said they have no one else like me faced with the decision. What?! She said I could go on the drugs if I wanted or wait another year, if I wanted. I looked at her and said, “Look I don’t want to go on any other medicines if I don’t have to, but you are the doctor and if you think this is necessary I will.” Still, no good answer from her. She also mentioned that I would have to try the pill form of the medication first, but it could cause acid reflux. If I couldn’t tolerate it they would give me the one-time infusion. I told her I have terrible acid reflux (have a hiatal hernia) and have been on Nexium for years. She said sorry, insurance won’t cover the infusion if you don’t try the pill. BULL SHIT. With all I was dealing with you won’t just give me the damn infusion. Well guess what – she was fired.

Long story short I went to a different endocrinologist at Dana Farber who really explained everything to me and why it was such a hard decision, she also said she could write to insurance so I could bypass the pill form of the medication. WHY, THANK YOU, it will take two minutes of her day, jeez, I finally got a nice one. I also left there with a plan, I would go see a fertility specialist to run the plan by her, then I would get the infusion. All cancer patients know that plans are sacred ground. When you don’t have a plan…well it is just impossible to describe how unsettling that is. This huge tangent to say, when all this was going down my “moment” or “funk” lasted a whole week. I started beating myself up for it because it was more than three days. Then I talked to one of my friends and she said, “Becky, you gotta cut yourself some slack, you are dealing with a lot.” I guess she was right. I also always have something in the back of my mind that my Aunt once said to me when I was having a moment. She said, “I know. I know it’s terrible and you think, how did I get back here? But, it is just going to happen and it’s okay.”

I will end with a couple of my favorite quotes. For those of you that don’t know me I am a huge quote person. They are hanging all over my cube, condo and really inspire me.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

-Khalil Gibran

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

“It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.”

-J. C. Watts

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt