It’s
been two weeks now since I got back from one of THE MOST AMAZING experiences of
my life – my First Descents rock-climbing
trip in Estes Park, Colorado. I thought I would be itching to write and have so
much to get out, but the thing is, the week had such a profound impact on me
that I am having trouble articulating it. I know, I know, when am I ever at a
loss for words?!
Every
night when I go to bed, I have been thinking about how to write about it –
what I can say that will truly encapsulate the experience. Honestly, that is
something I cannot do. The week was something that I shared with 13 other young
adult cancer survivors and First Descents staff members that only we can
understand – and only we are lucky enough to take with us on our journey
through life.
While
running this morning to Kelly Clarkson, of course, the word acceptance came to
mind. The reason I even applied to First Descents, actually went on the trip,
and was able to absorb the experience was all because of acceptance. I
have worked so hard to accept what I have, and that I have cancer. A part of me
always thought I had, because I am a “these are my cards” kind of person and
never, ever say, “why me?” Well, yes that is part of it, but the other part is
articulating it and living it. All this volunteer work I have been doing has
come with me talking about my cancer and “coming out of the cancer closet.”
I’ve really looked at it as – I am telling my story to help other people. When
friends or my family say, well it’s helping you too; I kind of shrug it off and
say “yeah, yeah.” Well, HELL YEAH it has helped me too, it just took me a
little time to open my goddamn eyes to it. I sort of realized it when I was
getting ready to go on my FD trip. People would ask me where I was going and I
would start with, “…it’s a rock-climbing trip in Colorado and I don’t know
anyone.” They would keep asking questions so then I would say, “well I’m a
cancer survivor and it’s a trip for young adult cancer survivors.” The words
actually rolled off my tongue pretty easily and I was, dare I say, proud to say
them.
**
When
I arrived at the FD camp, I had no idea what to expect. There were all these
people, from all over the country and Canada (whoop whoop), and I was worried
that I wouldn’t relate to them or they would be “different” than me. I have a
“different” type of cancer and never had chemo…
On
the surface we were all very different people, but on the inside, we were so
similar and so full of love. As the week went on, it was honestly a pleasure to
get to know everyone, hear their stories, and understand their lives. I truly
think I am a better person for going on the trip and now having a whole new
family in my life. I don’t think I would have gotten as much out of the
experience had I gone sooner. I had to accept my situation before I could
accept that of others. At the end of the day we are all humans living in the
same world; everyone has a battle, a story, and a will to live, and when we
look inside each other it is only then that we form the most beautiful
connections.
