Beyond Your Mind

Sometimes I have so much “Becky time” (or alone time) that I start to analyze every motion or movement I make; what day it is, who I am, what I’m doing…and then I think stop, stop, stop. Get out of your head!

A few weeks ago, my favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Sal (no, I will never stop talking about him) starting yelling to us during a sprint – he said, “Your biggest obstacle is…your biggest obstacle is…your mind.” I thought he was going to say that you are your biggest obstacle, but he took it one step further and said it’s your mind. Welp, my mind was blown, because it was so god damn true. I pedaled the shit out of the rest of class and went home and kept repeating Sal’s words in my head. Every scenario in my life where I have been challenged and felt like I couldn’t do it – my mind was telling me ‘no.’ The night before each of my surgeries when I was scared to DEATH, my mind was taking over. What if they don’t get all of the tumor? What if I need a colostomy bag? What if the surgeon doesn’t get enough sleep? What if I can’t tolerate the pain? What if I don’t get my own room in the hospital?

What I’ve realized is that all the work I’ve done on myself – and for myself – has been to overcome my mind. Exercise, surrounding myself with the people I love and love me back, family, and just feelin’ and workin’ my shit out…it has all said, “Hey mind, take that! I’m stronger, braver, and not only can I do this, but I will.”

Three or four years ago, I would have never gone on my rock climbing trip to Colorado with a group of cancer survivors. I would have thought, I can’t rock climb; I’m afraid of heights. Why would I want to be scared like that? I have a weird tumor, so I would be out of place with a bunch of cancer survivors. It’s also really uncomfortable to be with a group of strangers, why would I want to do that?  I also would have NEVER gotten up in front of 500 people and spoke about my cancer journey. Thoughts on that one: Be – dare I say – vulnerable in front of other people, let alone a crowd of 500? Hell, no. They will totally feel bad for me and I don’t want their pity. I don’t need them.

Present day, the score is definitely Becky beats Mind in overtime. All the work I have done to understand how my disease has affected me has really been a gift, because I have learned how to push through thoughts that don’t serve me, and reach even higher than I ever imagined. I am so proud of myself; proud because the thought of something today, would have never been an option in my mind years ago. I am currently raising money for First Descents and if I reach my goal I get to go on the next level program, which is an international trip to surf, go on a Safari, ice climb, or whatever other exotic programs they dream up, and I am not even that scared! Well…maybe a little, but I am not scared enough to prevent me from going!

The simple fact is, the more I push myself and surpass my thoughts, the more I learn who I am, and who I continue to evolve into. You are never done growing, living, stretching, imagining, loving, and being. How exciting!

Acceptance

It’s been two weeks now since I got back from one of THE MOST AMAZING experiences of my life – my First Descents rock-climbing trip in Estes Park, Colorado. I thought I would be itching to write and have so much to get out, but the thing is, the week had such a profound impact on me that I am having trouble articulating it. I know, I know, when am I ever at a loss for words?!

Every night when I go to bed, I have been thinking about how to write about it – what I can say that will truly encapsulate the experience. Honestly, that is something I cannot do. The week was something that I shared with 13 other young adult cancer survivors and First Descents staff members that only we can understand – and only we are lucky enough to take with us on our journey through life.

While running this morning to Kelly Clarkson, of course, the word acceptance came to mind. The reason I even applied to First Descents, actually went on the trip, and was able to absorb the experience was all because of acceptance. I have worked so hard to accept what I have, and that I have cancer. A part of me always thought I had, because I am a “these are my cards” kind of person and never, ever say, “why me?” Well, yes that is part of it, but the other part is articulating it and living it. All this volunteer work I have been doing has come with me talking about my cancer and “coming out of the cancer closet.” I’ve really looked at it as – I am telling my story to help other people. When friends or my family say, well it’s helping you too; I kind of shrug it off and say “yeah, yeah.” Well, HELL YEAH it has helped me too, it just took me a little time to open my goddamn eyes to it. I sort of realized it when I was getting ready to go on my FD trip. People would ask me where I was going and I would start with, “…it’s a rock-climbing trip in Colorado and I don’t know anyone.” They would keep asking questions so then I would say, “well I’m a cancer survivor and it’s a trip for young adult cancer survivors.” The words actually rolled off my tongue pretty easily and I was, dare I say, proud to say them.

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When I arrived at the FD camp, I had no idea what to expect. There were all these people, from all over the country and Canada (whoop whoop), and I was worried that I wouldn’t relate to them or they would be “different” than me. I have a “different” type of cancer and never had chemo…

On the surface we were all very different people, but on the inside, we were so similar and so full of love. As the week went on, it was honestly a pleasure to get to know everyone, hear their stories, and understand their lives. I truly think I am a better person for going on the trip and now having a whole new family in my life. I don’t think I would have gotten as much out of the experience had I gone sooner. I had to accept my situation before I could accept that of others. At the end of the day we are all humans living in the same world; everyone has a battle, a story, and a will to live, and when we look inside each other it is only then that we form the most beautiful connections.