Because I Can

I was outside most of the day today because it was the first nice day we have had after this HELLISH winter. I had my sunroof open and my music blaring, hand outside the window to feel the air as I drove to the field for my lacrosse team’s first game (I’m coaching adorable 7^th and 8^th graders). After the game, I quickly got my grocery shopping done and headed home for a run around the Jamaica Pond. While in the car on my way to the game, and while running, all I could be was happy. I took a deep breath, smiled, and looked at the blue sky in appreciation – appreciation that I am here, happy, healthy, and CAN be coaching lacrosse and running outside. My other favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Erin, screamed at us a couple of weeks ago, “You keep going, because you can!” She was so right, dayum all of us riders it that room are so lucky.

I’ve thought for the longest time that my appreciation for life has come from my cancer journey – no doubt it partially has, but I recently discovered something. I was home in Albany and started reading one of my 11^th grade AP English assignments. We had to put together all of our writing pieces from the year and attach an autobiographical them to them. I titled my project “Facing” the Facts Through the Eyes of Becky. Here is the cover:

As I read through the project, it was almost eerie. My 16-year-old self was giving my 27-year-old self extremely wise advice. I structured the project into four sections that described what was most important to me: Family and Friends, Happiness, Health, and Love. Each section had an envelope you could open with a quote that complemented it. The quote for health was, “A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.” (Hippocrates) Now that is just crazy, why would I have chosen a quote like that at the age of 16? It was almost foreshadowing what was to come in my life!

Here is an excerpt from my Reflection section at the end of the project:

Life is an adventure. Life is a roller-coaster ride. Life is compiled of a series of tragedies, thrills, and journeys. Life is only worth living if you live it to the fullest. Life is full of influences from people and events. Life is about learning to love. Life should be cherished. Life is precious. Everyday, even when I am under tremendous stress, I pause to think how lucky I am to be alive and have such a wonderful life. The trivial aspects of life sometimes bother me, but I quickly realize they do not matter. In discovering my many faces, I have learned what is most important to me in life: family and friends, love, happiness, and health. My family and friends will help me through rough times. I have not lived unless I have learned to love, my health is essential, and happiness is what makes life complete.

After compiling numerous stories of my life, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself that I never realized before. It is somewhat ironic because it might be assumed that everyone knows themselves well, but writing about myself was a self-discovery process for me. I discovered what I truly value in life, and how I often lose sight of what is most important. After this project, I am unquestionably going to cherish all I have in life, even more. I plan to live each day to the fullest. I plan to show more appreciation and love for my family. I plan to have more confidence in myself. I plan to accept that life is essentially like a tapestry, and I will experience rough times, which will guide me to the wonderful ones. Evaluating my past has also enabled me to better understand many of my personality traits. Before writing this piece I viewed myself as having low self-esteem and not a great deal of strength. After evaluating my life experiences and achievements, I came to the realization I actually possess a tremendous amount of strength, determination, and an ability to persevere, even in the face of failure...Self discovery is an important process, and this work has helped me do just that. Most of all, I have determined that I will never cease to cherish life.

I still can’t believe I wrote that at 16…wow. She was SMAHT! Ha. After reading this I had such an ‘aha’ moment. My appreciation for life existed before my diagnosis! So my thought that people need to experience something traumatic to really appreciate life isn't true! (I do think it definitely helps.) How, at 16 was I so wise? I think a large part can be attributed to my parents. Mom and dad taught me everything I know, and I am who I am because of them. They taught me how to treat people, how to love, how to laugh, how to… live. In my Reflection I wrote:

Not only have I discovered who I truly am, but who I want to become. The person I strive to become has been modeled by the adults I admire most in my life. Among these people are my parents, my Aunt Lorri, and some of my teachers who have deeply impacted me. I have received all of my morals from my parents; morals and values I plan on maintaining and only making stronger in the future. My parents are loving, compassionate, strong, kind, and caring human beings; I can only hope to become half the people they are. My Aunt Lorri is strong, determined, and compassionate, and I hope to have her strength when I face obstacles. Some of my influential teachers have taught me to have a strong work ethic and to have confidence in myself as a student. In particular my math teacher this year has demonstrated to me that I must believe in myself in order to succeed. I recognize that I will not have the capacity to embody the personality traits of all these people; however I only hope that I can take a part of all of them with me as I mature, and become the best person I can be.

Thanks Ron and Sue for being such amazing parents, and Aunt Lorri for showing me what strength is in my most influential years of life. YOU prepared me for what was thrown at me down the road.

The other thing that the oh wise 16-year-old Becky had was a tremendous amount of self-awareness. I truly feel that this is so, so important in life. It is important in relationships, your job, challenges you face, and pretty much everything! It molds how you respond to situations. I think my constant quest for self-awareness and discovery has helped me persevere through my medical journey. I continue to always try to be the best person I can be. I go to yoga and Soul Cycle, coach middle school girls lacrosse, co-chair the Patient and Family Advisory Council at Dana Farber, read to a little girl at lunch time every other week at the elementary school down the road from work…all because I can.