“Shine Bright Like a Diamond”

A couple of months ago I attended the Young Adult Program Cancer Conference at Dana Farber. It was the first time I was going to an event like this and, of course, because I’m crazy Becky, I was not only attending, but co-facilitating a session. The good thing about the session was that I was with my nurse who is like my Italian motha from anotha, so that was comforting! The morning started with my session, which was pretty small and we talked all about the importance of speaking up as a patient. Then, there were some patient speakers throughout the day as well as former Patriots player, Joe Andruzzi and his wife – he is a cancer survivor. To this point I found the day to be pretty sad – it was just a lot. I did make a couple friends at lunch though – a really nice guy fighting Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and his fiancé. She had come up to me after my session and said she really wanted her fiancé to meet me because we were a lot alike – kind of kept our story private and lived as normal as we could. So I had a nice lunch with the two of them and my Italian motha from anotha. I started to think…wow he is a lot like me.

In the afternoon I attended a session about having relationships while battling cancer, and I honestly think it was one of the most important things I have ever done for myself. It was a room of about 40 patients and caregivers opening up about their feelings and challenges (something so, so foreign to me). The things people were saying were heart-wrenching, but what stood out most to me was that I was not the only one out there that was fighting cancer, yet looked totally normal. A bunch of people in the group even used the phrase, “coming out of the cancer closet.” I was not alone, or crazy for that matter! And, you’ll never guess what happened next. I raised my hand and SHARED MY FEELINGS and…I even CRIED IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Yes, everyone in the room was crying and sharing their challenges, but the strength in the room was palpable…and I was one of those crying people…I was and am one of those strong people. I left this conference emotionally exhausted and went home and stared at the wall for a while because it took so much out of me. Yes, it was really difficult, but I think it was the tipping point for me. I had to be okay with my situation and be confident in it before anyone else could. And when I raised my hand in that room, tears streaming down my face, the words I said were so, so comforting to other people there. They were not alone either.

**

I have struggled enormously with when to “come out of the cancer closet;” mainly because I can’t let myself miss a beat and it means being vulnerable. What I realized that day at the Young Adult Cancer Conference was that missing beats, crying in front of others, being vulnerable and sharing my story is STRONG and helps not only me, but others.

My journey to “go public” has been a gradual one, that is still going, but each step I take is honestly exhilarating. My first big break – no I didn’t land an acting job, but shit that would be awesome. Guest appearance on the next Orange is the New Black? yes, please. Ha! Anyway, I am obsessed with Soul Cycle, which you know if you read my blog. So, a couple months back I contacted the Soul Cycle email box because I saw that people were sharing their stories about their Soul Cycle journies and where their inspiration comes from. It took me two months, but I finally put my Soul Cycle story together and submitted it. She replied right away and said we had to arrange my photo with my favorite instructor, Sal. I was so excited! I got to meet this mini celeb (to me, at least)! We got the photo and the story posted a week or so later, and now Sal and I are buds, a.k.a I high five him after class. If you didn’t see it, here it is. When I hit post with this article on my Facebook page, it was one of the biggest steps I could have taken! I went public.

What I really want to talk about is last Friday night when I spoke to a crowd of nearly 450 people about my cancer journey – yes, you heard me. AND, I got a standing ovation. One of my great friends, Tara Shuman recently wrote a book called Hope is a Good Breakfast about her breast cancer journey. She is an INCREDIBLE woman and it is an INCREDIBLE book. You must buy it and read it! So, Tara organized this amazing book launch event and asked ME to be one of the keynote speakers. I was not only flattered when she asked me, but terrified. I knew it was something I had to do, and deep down I really wanted to do. The good thing was that my journey to go public had been progressing nicely up to the point of the speech last week and my confidence was building.

**

I was at table number 3 surrounded by the most loving support system – my parents and 5 of my best friends. We were well into the program and Tara had read portions of her book, which brought most of the crowd to tears, the first speaker, Tara’s CT tech gave a wonderful speech, and this BRILLIANT doctor was now up there talking about the importance of cancer research. I was listening to the doctor and really enjoying her speech, but my mind kept going to my sweaty palms, what I though was a stomachache (I couldn’t decide), and which side of the stage I would walk up. Before I knew it, Tara finished an introduction (of me) that brought me to tears, and I was walking up to the stage. I have always liked public speaking. I get nervous when I walk up, but then I get in my groove. Let’s be clear here though, I have never spoken to a crowd of nearly 450 people…about something SO personal. I got up to the podium, adjusted the mic and started with a joke in true Becky fashion. I honestly think the nerves faded away after the first paragraph and then it was like I was in my world. I felt every word I said and the crowd was right there with me. They clapped, laughed, cried. It felt right. They were with me.

I ended the speech with a few words about Tara, that of course, brought me to tears. As the applause started she came up to give me a hug and a gift, and I turned around to see the whole room standing. Every single person. I headed back to my table, careful not to trip in my fabulous 4-inch stilettos and hugged my parents so tight. I then sat down next to my teary mom and was so surprised by what came out of my mouth! I turned to her and said, “that was so much fun!” She cracked up! What a thing for me to say…but really that’s how I felt. That is where I "shine bright like a diamond" – up on that stage. I actually just looked up the song lyrics to that Rhianna song to see if I could include a quote from it, but they suck! Same words over and over again, typical.
       
When the event program concluded the amount of people that came up to me was overwhelming – even the wait staff! They were touched, inspired, and in awe – of me?! I was so, so happy. I really think that was one of the best moments of my life. I had exposed one of the most vulnerable aspects of my life and received such a positive response from the crowd. They didn’t feel bad for me – which was always my greatest fear – they admired me.

Because I Can

I was outside most of the day today because it was the first nice day we have had after this HELLISH winter. I had my sunroof open and my music blaring, hand outside the window to feel the air as I drove to the field for my lacrosse team’s first game (I’m coaching adorable 7^th and 8^th graders). After the game, I quickly got my grocery shopping done and headed home for a run around the Jamaica Pond. While in the car on my way to the game, and while running, all I could be was happy. I took a deep breath, smiled, and looked at the blue sky in appreciation – appreciation that I am here, happy, healthy, and CAN be coaching lacrosse and running outside. My other favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Erin, screamed at us a couple of weeks ago, “You keep going, because you can!” She was so right, dayum all of us riders it that room are so lucky.

I’ve thought for the longest time that my appreciation for life has come from my cancer journey – no doubt it partially has, but I recently discovered something. I was home in Albany and started reading one of my 11^th grade AP English assignments. We had to put together all of our writing pieces from the year and attach an autobiographical them to them. I titled my project “Facing” the Facts Through the Eyes of Becky. Here is the cover:

As I read through the project, it was almost eerie. My 16-year-old self was giving my 27-year-old self extremely wise advice. I structured the project into four sections that described what was most important to me: Family and Friends, Happiness, Health, and Love. Each section had an envelope you could open with a quote that complemented it. The quote for health was, “A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.” (Hippocrates) Now that is just crazy, why would I have chosen a quote like that at the age of 16? It was almost foreshadowing what was to come in my life!

Here is an excerpt from my Reflection section at the end of the project:

Life is an adventure. Life is a roller-coaster ride. Life is compiled of a series of tragedies, thrills, and journeys. Life is only worth living if you live it to the fullest. Life is full of influences from people and events. Life is about learning to love. Life should be cherished. Life is precious. Everyday, even when I am under tremendous stress, I pause to think how lucky I am to be alive and have such a wonderful life. The trivial aspects of life sometimes bother me, but I quickly realize they do not matter. In discovering my many faces, I have learned what is most important to me in life: family and friends, love, happiness, and health. My family and friends will help me through rough times. I have not lived unless I have learned to love, my health is essential, and happiness is what makes life complete.

After compiling numerous stories of my life, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself that I never realized before. It is somewhat ironic because it might be assumed that everyone knows themselves well, but writing about myself was a self-discovery process for me. I discovered what I truly value in life, and how I often lose sight of what is most important. After this project, I am unquestionably going to cherish all I have in life, even more. I plan to live each day to the fullest. I plan to show more appreciation and love for my family. I plan to have more confidence in myself. I plan to accept that life is essentially like a tapestry, and I will experience rough times, which will guide me to the wonderful ones. Evaluating my past has also enabled me to better understand many of my personality traits. Before writing this piece I viewed myself as having low self-esteem and not a great deal of strength. After evaluating my life experiences and achievements, I came to the realization I actually possess a tremendous amount of strength, determination, and an ability to persevere, even in the face of failure...Self discovery is an important process, and this work has helped me do just that. Most of all, I have determined that I will never cease to cherish life.

I still can’t believe I wrote that at 16…wow. She was SMAHT! Ha. After reading this I had such an ‘aha’ moment. My appreciation for life existed before my diagnosis! So my thought that people need to experience something traumatic to really appreciate life isn't true! (I do think it definitely helps.) How, at 16 was I so wise? I think a large part can be attributed to my parents. Mom and dad taught me everything I know, and I am who I am because of them. They taught me how to treat people, how to love, how to laugh, how to… live. In my Reflection I wrote:

Not only have I discovered who I truly am, but who I want to become. The person I strive to become has been modeled by the adults I admire most in my life. Among these people are my parents, my Aunt Lorri, and some of my teachers who have deeply impacted me. I have received all of my morals from my parents; morals and values I plan on maintaining and only making stronger in the future. My parents are loving, compassionate, strong, kind, and caring human beings; I can only hope to become half the people they are. My Aunt Lorri is strong, determined, and compassionate, and I hope to have her strength when I face obstacles. Some of my influential teachers have taught me to have a strong work ethic and to have confidence in myself as a student. In particular my math teacher this year has demonstrated to me that I must believe in myself in order to succeed. I recognize that I will not have the capacity to embody the personality traits of all these people; however I only hope that I can take a part of all of them with me as I mature, and become the best person I can be.

Thanks Ron and Sue for being such amazing parents, and Aunt Lorri for showing me what strength is in my most influential years of life. YOU prepared me for what was thrown at me down the road.

The other thing that the oh wise 16-year-old Becky had was a tremendous amount of self-awareness. I truly feel that this is so, so important in life. It is important in relationships, your job, challenges you face, and pretty much everything! It molds how you respond to situations. I think my constant quest for self-awareness and discovery has helped me persevere through my medical journey. I continue to always try to be the best person I can be. I go to yoga and Soul Cycle, coach middle school girls lacrosse, co-chair the Patient and Family Advisory Council at Dana Farber, read to a little girl at lunch time every other week at the elementary school down the road from work…all because I can.

The Receiver

I was in seventh grade and was going through that awkward middle school stage with friends. I was trying to fit in with the “cool crowd,” but was too naïve to realize they were treating me like shit. To my mom, it was very obvious, but I unfortunately had to learn it on my own.

I remember I had a group of the girls over to my house and we were planning Christmas presents for each other, secretly whispering to one what we were getting the other. The next thing I knew they were all faking stomach aches and called their moms to go home. I was so disappointed and didn’t understand what I had done. While they were there I had told one that I got another this awesome Clinique lip gloss set and she promised to keep it a secret. I was so excited about this gift! It was the brand-new sparkly Juicy Tube set.

The next day at school, the girl I was giving the lip gloss set to came up to me in the cafeteria and said, “Becks, I have a lot of lip gloss.” I was so upset. Not only had my other friend broken my trust, but this friend didn’t like the gift I was going to give her. As soon as I walked in the door after school that day, while I was still throwing my backpack on the floor and yanking off my coat, I said to my mom, “I have to get her another present. She said she has a lot of lip gloss.” In my young, naïve mind I didn’t see the immaturity in the situation and that these girls were not being very nice to me. That was when my mom drew the line and she said, “Becky, you are not getting her another present. The lip gloss set is a very nice gift.” I stormed upstairs and slammed the door and the pout session in my room commenced.

***

Although seemingly very trivial, this story is actually fairly significant. It was the first time I learned the hard “receiver” lesson and that you need to pick and choose your friends and the people you surround yourself with wisely. Now that I am 27, I think I have learned quite a bit about this lesson and have surrounded myself with amazing people. Unfortunately, it is a lesson that takes a lifetime to learn and there are always going to be people that disappoint me. The thing is, I see the best in people and I am just hoping for them to respond they way I want them to – or the way I would.

In my last post I talked about having confidence when telling my story; which I have learned is SO important. But, here is the thing, who am I telling that story to? Who is the receiver?

This is a very complicated question for me because I have a hard time telling my story to begin with – so, when do I tell it? To who? The rule of thumb that I have come to follow is, I tell it when I am ready, and feel comfortable telling it (to the receiver). In the past I have “let the cat outta the bag” and received a horrifying response. One particular time I can remember I wanted to just puke and run away. The person made a joke, was completely insensitive and made me feel like an idiot. He was obviously too immature to handle the information and I had not built the relationship with him that I thought we had. Looking back at the situation, I now know that this receiver was not ready, if ever, to receive this information. I wanted him to be, feel and act in a way that he was not capable of. I wanted to return the lip gloss set, buy a different present, and hope for the response I expected.

I recently told my story to two different co-workers. After knowing both of these people for a good amount of time, I got to know what kind of people they are, what they stand for, how caring they are, and was confident they would respond positively. I chose correctly. The first individual simply said, “I know I am supposed to feel bad for you, but that isn't my instinct here. You handle this so incredibly well I just want to say that I am amazed.” That really made me so happy because that is how I aim to live my life. Look fab, exude happiness, kick life in the ass and oh, wait there is that thing going on in the background.

The second individual was just so great. I knew she would be because I just felt that comfort level with her. To be honest, I didn't even get the sweaty palms, heart racing anxiety before telling her. She is already one of my biggest supporters; wanting to come to any speaking engagements I have, help me with my volunteer efforts and read this blog J.

Everyone goes through the “receiver” lesson with friends from middle school, to high school, well into their adult years. I now realize even more so why it is important to surround yourself with amazing people. Life happens. The right receivers won’t even flinch when you tell them something serious and will do everything they can to support you.

Note: To the girls involved in the lip gloss “thing” if you read this I love you dearly. We were in middle school J. Thank you for the lesson and you are among my biggest supporters today – and I of you.