Beautiful Grief

It was an especially busy day in the office. I was helping my colleague set up for an in-office Back to School product sale for employees. Of course, communications ended up doing most of the work and our awesome video guys helped us transfer boxes and boxes of product from the loading dock. My colleague was running around making sure everything arrived when I looked down at my phone to see Facebook messages from my Colorado friends (from my life-changing climbing trip with First Descents). I immediately panicked inside because we knew it was scan day for “LPMuffin.” She was one of the amazing souls I met in Colorado and had just fought off her cancer before going on the trip…but we feared it was back. I looked down at my Facebook messages and well, she said it was back, and it was not good…and she likely had it the whole time we were climbing in Colorado. WTF?! It was in her body when she was scaling rocks like a boss?? I felt like I was going to vomit and cry and didn’t know what to do because I had to keep working this event. I sat for a moment and then worked through the fog. I knew this could happen…meeting all of these cancer survivors…it could come back for any one of us. I just didn’t think it would happen so fast.

I went back up to my floor and sat in my cube. I knew I couldn’t hold it together and I just needed someone to be there for me. In the past I would have held it in, but I’ve learned that is just such a bad idea and it’s ok to allow people to be there for you. The thought of crying at work though – ah! I went into my boss’ office and sat in her comfy chair. I was all but three words in when I lost it. She is amazing and immediately shut her door, grabbed me tissues, and positioned me in the chair where people couldn’t see me through the glass window of her office. She let me cry, and she listened. She said something that really made me think about how I have all these people in my life now that had been sick, were sick, and could be sick again.

**

Today. Today I celebrated the life of Larry C. at his funeral. I wrote about Larry C. about a year and a half ago when Dana Farber awarded him volunteer of the year. To say Larry had a profound impact on my life would be an understatement. I got to see Larry just about monthly at our Patient and Family Advisory Council meetings. Although I didn’t spend a lot of time with him, it was so easy to see his soul, and who he was and what he had to give.

Larry was calm, humble, smart, compassionate, thoughtful…I could go on and on. Hearing what his loved ones had to say about him today was so special. What I saw in him each month was what he lived by. Larry loved the outdoors and would go on what most would call crazy camping trips in the dead of winter in the Adirondacks. His friend talked about how Larry never complained about the heat, the cold, the bugs…the challenge. He remembered Larry’s comment that, “Any day outdoors is better than a day in the office.” Everyone smiled and laughed.

Larry cared for his wife when she was ill with cancer for ten years and after she passed he spent his next ten years helping others at Dana Farber. He then, ever so quietly, started his own cancer battle in 2014.

Larry just had such an appreciation. Appreciation for his family, his ability to give back at Dana Farber and to honor his late wife, the outdoors…and just being alive.

Not only did I love Larry for who he was and how you were just drawn to him, but today I reflect on how many gifts he gave me and many others. He touched so many lives. He is the kind of man that makes you want to do better and remind yourself every second of every day that life is beautiful and we must spend our time finding the beauty in it and appreciating it. I can’t help but find the irony in his love for the outdoors and what the outdoors has done for me and so many other First Descents alumni. He was a true angel walking this earth and he is looking down with his infectious smile right now saying in is typical, humble way, I was just doing my job.

As I was walking out of the funeral with two friends/employees of Dana Farber, one of them turned to us and said that Larry wanted his donations directed to our Patient and Family Advisory Council. Well, wow. Of course he did.

**

After I processed that LP Muffin’s cancer was back, my friends and I went into full on support mode and began planning our trip up to Canada. LP Muffin lives her life with such beauty, grace, and adventure. She is a Yogi that travels the world and the way she handled everything was remarkable. She throws fear out the damn window. Today, she is doing extremely well due to a chemo drug with minimal side affects. Her future is unknown, but that hasn’t stopped her from living for one god damn minute.

My life is SO much fuller with LP Muffin and Larry in it. Was there pain when LP Muffin relapsed and when Larry was put to rest today? Yes. Pain, tears, grief…but also abundant gratitude and warmth. They have both changed my life. How lucky am I? How lucky am I at the age of 29 years old to continually be reminded that I need to be a better person, shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, value family and friends, and get out and live! When I am repelling off cliffs in Thailand next month I will have Larry in my heart – and when I get scared I’ll remember what the Rabbi said today at the funeral, “Life is not always about getting to the top, or the summit, we must focus on the journey.”

Because I Can

I was outside most of the day today because it was the first nice day we have had after this HELLISH winter. I had my sunroof open and my music blaring, hand outside the window to feel the air as I drove to the field for my lacrosse team’s first game (I’m coaching adorable 7^th and 8^th graders). After the game, I quickly got my grocery shopping done and headed home for a run around the Jamaica Pond. While in the car on my way to the game, and while running, all I could be was happy. I took a deep breath, smiled, and looked at the blue sky in appreciation – appreciation that I am here, happy, healthy, and CAN be coaching lacrosse and running outside. My other favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Erin, screamed at us a couple of weeks ago, “You keep going, because you can!” She was so right, dayum all of us riders it that room are so lucky.

I’ve thought for the longest time that my appreciation for life has come from my cancer journey – no doubt it partially has, but I recently discovered something. I was home in Albany and started reading one of my 11^th grade AP English assignments. We had to put together all of our writing pieces from the year and attach an autobiographical them to them. I titled my project “Facing” the Facts Through the Eyes of Becky. Here is the cover:

As I read through the project, it was almost eerie. My 16-year-old self was giving my 27-year-old self extremely wise advice. I structured the project into four sections that described what was most important to me: Family and Friends, Happiness, Health, and Love. Each section had an envelope you could open with a quote that complemented it. The quote for health was, “A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses.” (Hippocrates) Now that is just crazy, why would I have chosen a quote like that at the age of 16? It was almost foreshadowing what was to come in my life!

Here is an excerpt from my Reflection section at the end of the project:

Life is an adventure. Life is a roller-coaster ride. Life is compiled of a series of tragedies, thrills, and journeys. Life is only worth living if you live it to the fullest. Life is full of influences from people and events. Life is about learning to love. Life should be cherished. Life is precious. Everyday, even when I am under tremendous stress, I pause to think how lucky I am to be alive and have such a wonderful life. The trivial aspects of life sometimes bother me, but I quickly realize they do not matter. In discovering my many faces, I have learned what is most important to me in life: family and friends, love, happiness, and health. My family and friends will help me through rough times. I have not lived unless I have learned to love, my health is essential, and happiness is what makes life complete.

After compiling numerous stories of my life, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself that I never realized before. It is somewhat ironic because it might be assumed that everyone knows themselves well, but writing about myself was a self-discovery process for me. I discovered what I truly value in life, and how I often lose sight of what is most important. After this project, I am unquestionably going to cherish all I have in life, even more. I plan to live each day to the fullest. I plan to show more appreciation and love for my family. I plan to have more confidence in myself. I plan to accept that life is essentially like a tapestry, and I will experience rough times, which will guide me to the wonderful ones. Evaluating my past has also enabled me to better understand many of my personality traits. Before writing this piece I viewed myself as having low self-esteem and not a great deal of strength. After evaluating my life experiences and achievements, I came to the realization I actually possess a tremendous amount of strength, determination, and an ability to persevere, even in the face of failure...Self discovery is an important process, and this work has helped me do just that. Most of all, I have determined that I will never cease to cherish life.

I still can’t believe I wrote that at 16…wow. She was SMAHT! Ha. After reading this I had such an ‘aha’ moment. My appreciation for life existed before my diagnosis! So my thought that people need to experience something traumatic to really appreciate life isn't true! (I do think it definitely helps.) How, at 16 was I so wise? I think a large part can be attributed to my parents. Mom and dad taught me everything I know, and I am who I am because of them. They taught me how to treat people, how to love, how to laugh, how to… live. In my Reflection I wrote:

Not only have I discovered who I truly am, but who I want to become. The person I strive to become has been modeled by the adults I admire most in my life. Among these people are my parents, my Aunt Lorri, and some of my teachers who have deeply impacted me. I have received all of my morals from my parents; morals and values I plan on maintaining and only making stronger in the future. My parents are loving, compassionate, strong, kind, and caring human beings; I can only hope to become half the people they are. My Aunt Lorri is strong, determined, and compassionate, and I hope to have her strength when I face obstacles. Some of my influential teachers have taught me to have a strong work ethic and to have confidence in myself as a student. In particular my math teacher this year has demonstrated to me that I must believe in myself in order to succeed. I recognize that I will not have the capacity to embody the personality traits of all these people; however I only hope that I can take a part of all of them with me as I mature, and become the best person I can be.

Thanks Ron and Sue for being such amazing parents, and Aunt Lorri for showing me what strength is in my most influential years of life. YOU prepared me for what was thrown at me down the road.

The other thing that the oh wise 16-year-old Becky had was a tremendous amount of self-awareness. I truly feel that this is so, so important in life. It is important in relationships, your job, challenges you face, and pretty much everything! It molds how you respond to situations. I think my constant quest for self-awareness and discovery has helped me persevere through my medical journey. I continue to always try to be the best person I can be. I go to yoga and Soul Cycle, coach middle school girls lacrosse, co-chair the Patient and Family Advisory Council at Dana Farber, read to a little girl at lunch time every other week at the elementary school down the road from work…all because I can.