Beyond Your Mind

Sometimes I have so much “Becky time” (or alone time) that I start to analyze every motion or movement I make; what day it is, who I am, what I’m doing…and then I think stop, stop, stop. Get out of your head!

A few weeks ago, my favorite Soul Cycle instructor, Sal (no, I will never stop talking about him) starting yelling to us during a sprint – he said, “Your biggest obstacle is…your biggest obstacle is…your mind.” I thought he was going to say that you are your biggest obstacle, but he took it one step further and said it’s your mind. Welp, my mind was blown, because it was so god damn true. I pedaled the shit out of the rest of class and went home and kept repeating Sal’s words in my head. Every scenario in my life where I have been challenged and felt like I couldn’t do it – my mind was telling me ‘no.’ The night before each of my surgeries when I was scared to DEATH, my mind was taking over. What if they don’t get all of the tumor? What if I need a colostomy bag? What if the surgeon doesn’t get enough sleep? What if I can’t tolerate the pain? What if I don’t get my own room in the hospital?

What I’ve realized is that all the work I’ve done on myself – and for myself – has been to overcome my mind. Exercise, surrounding myself with the people I love and love me back, family, and just feelin’ and workin’ my shit out…it has all said, “Hey mind, take that! I’m stronger, braver, and not only can I do this, but I will.”

Three or four years ago, I would have never gone on my rock climbing trip to Colorado with a group of cancer survivors. I would have thought, I can’t rock climb; I’m afraid of heights. Why would I want to be scared like that? I have a weird tumor, so I would be out of place with a bunch of cancer survivors. It’s also really uncomfortable to be with a group of strangers, why would I want to do that?  I also would have NEVER gotten up in front of 500 people and spoke about my cancer journey. Thoughts on that one: Be – dare I say – vulnerable in front of other people, let alone a crowd of 500? Hell, no. They will totally feel bad for me and I don’t want their pity. I don’t need them.

Present day, the score is definitely Becky beats Mind in overtime. All the work I have done to understand how my disease has affected me has really been a gift, because I have learned how to push through thoughts that don’t serve me, and reach even higher than I ever imagined. I am so proud of myself; proud because the thought of something today, would have never been an option in my mind years ago. I am currently raising money for First Descents and if I reach my goal I get to go on the next level program, which is an international trip to surf, go on a Safari, ice climb, or whatever other exotic programs they dream up, and I am not even that scared! Well…maybe a little, but I am not scared enough to prevent me from going!

The simple fact is, the more I push myself and surpass my thoughts, the more I learn who I am, and who I continue to evolve into. You are never done growing, living, stretching, imagining, loving, and being. How exciting!

Buttermilk Feathers

Fear is a funny thing. It’s a thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately – does the way we face fear affect us? Do we face fear differently as we grow? I’m going to answer that question with a big fat yes.

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk-taker, but my climbing trip in Colorado with First Descents forced me to push my boundaries and look fear in big, dark pupils. Almost all of the young adult cancer survivors that go on these white-water kayaking, surfing, or rock climbing trips have never done these activities before and are scared of heights, the water, or flipping in the kayak. But, that was the point – to look fear in the face and overcome it. And hey, guess what, something really cool is on the other side.

On the last day of our week in Colorado we had our “graduation day climb,” which was a multi-pitch climb. This means that we kept going up, up, up, as the guide made different paths for us, so we could eventually get to the summit. I went into the week scared of heights and only had moments of fear throughout the week, but it was always something I could talk myself out of. Well, the graduation climb was a different story. I did ok on the first two pitches (or legs) of the climb, but as I started out on the third one, what they call “the exposure” hit me. I was hanging off the side of a cliff, hundreds of feet off the ground with a rope as my safety. As I was about to start climbing, I shouted out to everyone around me that I was scared as shit, ‘cause of course telling everyone made me feel better, ha! After my first two steps, I just freaked out and started crying. Everyone near me – as they had all week – encouraged me to just let it out and feel scared ‘cause hell I was hanging off the side of a cliff. Before this week, I would have never let myself cry it out, especially in front of all those people. Would I have given up? No. But, would I have gotten the same thing out of the experience? I highly doubt it. After crying it out for 30 seconds or so, I continued my climb and kicked its ass! I stared that big bastard named fear right in the face and I said hell I’m going to feel you and overcome you. In that moment, I think I discovered a new piece of myself and continued on my journey to take in all the beauty in life.

**

About a week after I got back from my Colorado trip, I got the news that one of my best friends from the week received bad scan results. This beautiful, fun, vibrant, adorable, silly, brave, remarkable 26-year-old’s Hodgkin’s Lymphoma was back with a vengeance. Having all these new, wonderful friends that are cancer survivors, I knew this was a possibility, but that was a fear that was simply easy to overcome. The fullness I have in my life from the people I met and my friend who I will call Lemmon Poppyseed Muffin is indescribable. I am better for knowing them.

My three friends and I just got back from an amazing weekend visiting LP Muffin. She is about to start a chemo regimen, but in the mean time, she is living the SHIT out of life. Every second we were there; there was a smile, a giggle, a dance move, a funny face from her – so much amazing energy. She defines lighting up the room. I am not a huge cuddler or toucher – I mean sometimes – but not huge ha, and I cuddled the shit out of LP Muffin and my other friends. I played with Muffin’s hair, gave her a back rub, sooo many hugs, and lots of dancing. When we were in Colorado I was able to get a tiny ponytail in her hair that stuck straight up and she was so excited (it’s still growing back from chemo), and on this trip I was able to make six little ponytails! She looked like a character from Dr. Seuss and it was hilarious! She was just so excited that her hair was long enough to get six mini ponytails in. By the way she has the best, softest hair ever so we deemed it Buttermilk Feathers.

The weekend was full of laughs, love, exploring, crying, and so much more. As I was reflecting on the trip last night, I just continued to marvel at LP Muffin. Her relationship with fear is beyond anything I have ever seen. My little Lemon Poppyseed Muffin has cancer all over her chest and in her pelvis and she is breakin’ it down on the dance floor and traveling every moment she gets. She is living. She is learning about herself each day, growing, loving more, seeing the beauty that is all around us in this world, and touching lives like mine. There is no way I can put into words how lucky I am to have her in my life. Her presence and inspiration demolishes the big bad fear bastard. Hanging off the side of a mountain? Hell, that’s nothing. HI FEAR, MY NAME IS BECKY.

FILU DR. METH.